The devastation of relationship loss: when relationships ends

As we move into a new year, I’ve been thinking about romantic relationships and how much you lose when they end. Whether you saw it coming or not, whether you broke up with someone or were the one who was broken up with, it can be a devastating and emotionally overwhelming experience. Whether the relationship was a marriage or civil partnership, long or short, the grief some can experience when a relationship ends can be intense. Its effects can be far-reaching, impacting several aspects of life simultaneously. Some manage to navigate a breakup gracefully and amicably, where both recognise the need to separate, respecting each others’ decisions and autonomy. However, others can struggle with difficult and negative feelings. Instead of losing someone through death, where the deceased are often lauded and praised, ex-partners can often be vilified or criticised. Where the relationship breakdown is caused or instigated by one person, the injured party, particularly, can feel aggrieved, wanting to preserve their sense of self and, perhaps, distance themselves from their role in the relationship’s downfall. No matter the feelings a breakup involves, the fact is an ex-partner still exists somewhere in the world, which can make it harder to let go and harder to move on.

A multitude of loss

The end of a relationship is not just about losing that special someone in your life, the companionship and adventures you shared, and the identity or label you assumed as part of that partnership. It’s about losing the safety and security of knowing another person has your back. A breakup means no longer having a sense of taking on the world together, of being a team. Additionally, a relationship breakdown may also mean the loss of an extended family and friendship group to whom you had grown close. It may mean having to walk away from a family home, community, perhaps from children and shared animals. Routines and ways of life can fundamentally shift in the blink of an eye, putting either party under substantial emotional, physical, and financial stress. You can no longer rely on your partner to pick up the slack in areas that aren’t your natural forte. You no longer have someone to speak to at the end of a long day, someone to hug you when you need comfort or be your cheerleader when you need a boost. You now have to tackle the world alone.

The psychological and physical toll of a breakup

Not only is it essential to understand that there is a grieving period and, like any loss, this will come in waves; it is also important to appreciate that it will hit you unexpectedly and affect everyone differently. It can have emotional, physical and physiological consequences. When a relationship ends, you may feel angry, upset, bitter, resentful, sad, embarrassed or guilty. Though you may also have a sense of hope, relief and happiness; you may embrace a new lease of life, a sense of reinvigoration and freedom. These emotions can feel confusing; they can hit you when you least expect them. You may find it difficult to eat or sleep, or, alternatively, you may feel like eating and sleeping more than usual. You may gain or lose weight, struggle with your memory and have poor concentration. You may struggle at work and struggle to engage with friends and family.

Moving forward after a relationship breaks down

While it may feel impossible right now, a relationship breakdown can bring opportunity, growth and a renewed sense of self and purpose. It might be tough to imagine but think of your new life as a future full of possibility. It’s an opportunity to process what happened, see what you can learn about yourself and the role you play in relationships. A breakup can force you to reevaluate what is important to you, how you want to show up for yourself and others, and how you‘d like to be treated. It’s an opportunity to grow from a difficult experience. Perhaps you might do this through writing, jotting down your thoughts each morning, to get your feelings and thoughts on paper. Or, maybe you talk it all through with a friend, family member or therapist. It may be a chance for a new routine, spending more time with, and finding support in your friendship groups. You might throw yourself into work or exercise, take up hobbies, and occupy yourself with spring cleaning or reading books. Anything to distract you from your loss and provide a focus to move forward. Most importantly, it’s a chance for you to make sense of what has happened and develop your self-awareness to be a better version of yourself in your next relationship.

Starting all over again can feel incredibly daunting, but with the right support, you can emerge stronger, braver, and more resilient. If you’re struggling with a relationship ending and would like to explore therapy, please do get in touch.