How do I move on after a loss?
Moving on from a loss is, perhaps, the most common goal my clients have in our first session together. Clients will often come to me in a state of distress, sometimes days after a loss but more often months, and sometimes many years later. They are overwhelmed with their emotions, often experiencing simultaneous physical and psychological symptoms and want a quick and easy solution to move them past their grief.
The pain of grief
This pain that my clients are feeling is something I know well. Following the death of several friends and family in recent years, the pain has, at times, felt visceral. My heart has ached, my stomach has been tied in knots, my head has pounded. I have, at times, felt like I'm in a fog that won't clear. Even the most innocuous of things set off an uncontrollable stream of tears. At times, I longed for that same sense of closure and to know that there would, one day, come a time when the pain was gone and I could reengage in my life as I had before.
The idea of 'moving on' can feel distressing
I imagine many of you reading this can connect with this physical and emotional pain, while also wanting to find a way out of it? However, despite wanting to move on from a loss, I have often found that my clients will express distress and guilt at the idea of actively closing themselves off from who or what they have lost. The idea that they need to shut the door on their grief and somehow forget feels uncomfortable. Yet, this idea of moving on, of closing the door on our pain and moving to the next chapter stems from early grief theories, and times have changed. It was proposed by grief theorists, such as Freud (1), who suggested that in order to 'move on' from what we have lost, we must disconnect from the thing that was causing us such pain. His theory suggested a nice, clean process where we can detach ourselves from the reality of our loss and heal, safe in the knowledge that the person or thing we have lost can't hurt us anymore. It is an idea of grief that has become embedded within our society. Yet even Freud, who lost his 27-year-old daughter, came to realise that this theory was, perhaps, a little naïve.
Moving forward, but not forgetting
That's why I encourage my clients to consider thinking about it as simply 'moving forward' with their grief, acknowledging that it will always be with them but that, over time, it will become less all-encompassing. As they grow their lives around the pain, experiencing new things, creating new memories and finding new purpose, their loss takes up less space. This does not mean that they cannot respect, recognise and commemorate their loss, nor does it mean that they will always be able to keep their emotions in check, but it gives them permission to build a life that supports them through their pain and discomfort, enabling them to lift the shroud from which they have been engulfed.
Finding meaning in loss
In some small way, moving forward is about finding ways to make meaning from our loss (2). Without meaning, our journey through life may feel like a pointless and hollow uphill struggle. Without meaning, one's life may seem insignificant. To find meaning in what or who has been lost, we must first make sense of our experiences, before finding some form of benefit in them and adjusting to our new identity in the wake of such a change (3). In doing so, we can start to reframe what we have lost, understand its significance and, perhaps, find a new sense of purpose (4).
To find out more, go to my blog post "5 practical ways to make meaningful change".
References:
Freud, S. (1957). Mourning and melancholia. In Rothaupt, J. W., & Becker, K. (2007). A Literature Review of Western Bereavement Theory: From Decathecting to Continuing Bonds. Family Journal, 15(1), 6–15. http://10.0.4.153/1066480706294031
Neimeyer, R.A. (2001). The language of loss: Grief therapy as a process of meaning reconstruction. In R A Neimeyer (Ed.), Meaning reconstruction & the experience of loss. (1st ed., pp. 261–292). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/10397-014
Gillies, J., & Neimeyer, R. (2006). Loss, grief, and the search for significance: Toward a model of meaning reconstruction in bereavement. Journal of Constructivist Psychology, 19(1), 31–65. http://10.0.4.56/10720530500311182
Hibberd, R. (2013). Meaning reconstruction in bereavement: Sense and significance. Death Studies, 37(7), 670–692. http://10.0.4.56/07481187.2012.692453